what a disaster. a very big disaster.

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bakit kaya kung sino pa yung inaasahan mong susuportahan ka sa pinili mong propesyon eh siyang numero unong nagdidiscourage sa yo? naman.

ayoko nang ipaliwanag ang sarili ko sa kanya. ni magkwento hindi ko na rin ginagawa.

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ayoko na magkamali. hindi na pwede.

dear tita chuchu,

itago niyo na lang po ako sa pangalang soraya. ang problema ko ay tungkol sa isang kaibigan ko na aking pinautang higit-kumulang isang buwan na ang nakalilipas. noong una siyang nagtanong sa akin kung pwede siyang mangutang para may pambayad siya ng kuryente, pumayag ako sa simpleng dahilan na kaibigan ko siya. nagpasalamat siya sa akin at sinabing hindi naman daw siya mangungutang kung nabayaran siya agad ng isa pa niyang kaibigan na nangutang din pala sa kanya. kaya ang sa akin hindi na baleng magkulang ang budget ko basta't makatulong sa isang kaibigan. pero alam niyo ba, tita chuchu, naang totoo niyan ay bago ako um-oo, medyo nagdalawang isip ako ngunit pumayag na rin dahil nga, tinuturing ko siyang isang kaibigan, at pakiramdam ko na mapagkakatiwalaan ko siya.

nangako ang kaibigan ko na mababayaran niya ako sa susunod na linggo dahil dun niya makukuha niya ang back pay niya sa dati niyang opisina. ayos lang sa akin.

lumipas ang isang linggo at wala akong natanggap na text mula sa kanya. kaya tinext ko siya para paalalahanin ang dapat niyang bayaran na utang. nagreply naman siya agad at nangakong babayaran niya ako sa susunod na linggo.

dumating ang susunod na linggo. wala pa ring text na nagsasabing magkita kami. kaya tinext ko siya pero wala akong natanggap na sagot mula sa kanya. dito nag-umpisang sumagi sa isipan ko na baka tatakbuhan yata niya ako. pero nung nagtext ako ulit sa kanya nung sumunod na linggo, sumagot siya agad at humingi ng paumanhin dahil wala raw siya load nung nakaraang linggo kaya di siya nakasagot. nung ako naman ang nagreply sa kanya ako ang nawalan ng load. tama ba yun???

umasa ako na magtetext siya sa mga susunod na araw pero tulad ng dati, hindi na naman siya nagpaparamdam.

kulang-kulang higit sa anim na linggo na ang nakalipas mula nung pinautang ko siya. nitong mga nakaraang araw tinetext ko na siya, pinaparing ang cell phone, at nagmessage pa ako sa friendster niya. lahat WALANG SAGOT.

kaya naman hindi ko mapigilang isipin na mukhang tinakbuhan na ako nitong "kaibigan" na ito. sa tuwing iniisip kong hindi pa niya ako nababayaran kumukulo na ang dugo ko. tumatakbo na sa aking isipan na sana sinunod ko na lang ang kutob ko na wag na lang siyang pautangin at hindi na siya pinautang. tutal, hindi swak sa budget ko kung magpautang pa ako. 

tita chuchu, ang isang pangako ay pangako para sa akin at kapag hindi yun tinupad ng kung sino mang kakilala ko, nawawala ang tiwala ko sa taong yun. sa totoo lang gusto ko na talaga siyang awayin sakaling magparamdam na siya (kung mangyayari yun. pero sana!). sa kabilang dako ayoko pa ring mangyari yun dahil maaaring may nangyari sa kanya at di makasagot sa mga mensaheng ipinadadala ko sa kanya halos araw-araw na ginawa ng diyos.

tita chuchu, ano po ang dapat kong gawin? payuhan niyo po sana ako. maraming salamat po sa pagbasa niyo ng aking liham at sa payo na inyong ibibigay.

lubos na gumagalang,

soraya.

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kurokuro ni tita chuchu:

magandang gabi sa iyo, soraya. tunay ngang mabigat ang isang problema lalo na kung pumagitna ang pera sa magkaibigan. sinabi mo na sa umpisa pa lamang ay nagdalawang-isip ka na rin pala bago ka pumayag na pautangin siya. hindi mo nabanggit sa liham mo kung gaano katagal na kayo magkakilala ng kaibigan mo at kung saan kayo nagkakilala, kaya ia-assume ko na lang na mga ilang buwan hanggang mga isa o dalawang taon na kayo magkaibigan mula nung una kayong magkita. siguro mas mainam na gawin mo ay ipagpatuloy ang pagtetext, tawag o magpadala ng mensahe sa kung saang social network kayo magkaibigan. gawin mo ito araw-araw hanggang sa makulitan na siya sa iyo at sa oras na magkita na kayo, maaaring isalpok niya ang pera sa pagmumukha mo sa sobrang inis niya sa iyo. wag ka nang mainis pa kung mangyari yun. magsilbing isang leksiyon sa iyo ang pinagdadaanan mo ngayon. wag ka nang magpautang sa kahit sino pang tinuturing mong kaibigan kung nagdadalawang isip ka pa. maganda nga yang katangian mong kusang pagtulong sa kapwa ngunit sa susunod, sundin mo ang iyong kutob at piliin ang taong pauutangin mo. wag ka na ring tumigil sa pananalangin mo na sana bayaran ka na ng kaibigan mo. sana. yun lang.

soraya, maraming salamat din sa iyong liham at sa patuloy mong pagtangkilik sa aking programa.

well, what do you know, history actually repeated itself. in just a little over a year.

man. when will i ever learn.

well, i know i was wrong. and i know that this is for my future. i'll take any harsh sounding BUT meaningful words from that one person i trust who can help me do my work better.

i imagine that if i were hit with bullets, i think i will still be able to stand up and walk until my strength is no more. ieven so, i'll still be dead after that.

i am glad that what i got today were words.

and so i learn.

sawa na talaga akong pumagitna sa inyo. taon na ang binibilang. aabot pa ba ito ng dekada? tapos akala ko kayo lang. ngayon may sumusunod sa mga yapak niyo. kailan ito matatapos? sa totoo lang sawang-sawa na akong maipit sa gitna ng mga bagay na wala naman akong kinalaman.

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heto na naman ako. nalulunod. sino ba kasi ang nagbukas ng floodgates? ay. ako pala. kaya ako pala ang naiinis sa sarili ko. hah. ano kaya yun?

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bumabalik na naman ang pakiramdam na gusto kong mapag-isa. ang kaso naman masama ring mapag-isa ako paminsan-minsan. puro pag-iisip. gaya ng ginagawa ko mga ilang linggo na. ayoko na mag-isip! gusto kong umalis na lang! kaso walang matatakasan eh! pano ba yan?

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nasan ba ang babaitang yun na ginagawa ang kahit anong gusto niyang gawin? yeah, right. puro salita lang naman siya eh.

Johnny Angel (an original wuzza by carlotta de la vega)

i love u i leave n 2 weeks.

Her heart stopped. Imploded. Crashed.
Crushed under the weight of that one short sentence she just read.
One short message that he sent her some years ago.
A message that she ignored, for it caught her by surprise.
She didn’t—couldn’t believe it.
He was thousands of miles away from her.
So why should she believe what he said?
She haven’t even met him in person.
And even if she had, most probably she still would not believe.
It will never work out even if they had things going for them.
She didn’t—couldn’t believe in love.
Better to be friends, and simply love each other like friends.
That was her thinking, several years ago.
And now she realized.
If only she could turn back time.

I love u 2. I hope 2 see u soon, my Johnny Angel.

But it’s too late for her to say that.

i suddenly remembered that today is my lola's (father's side) 9th death anniversary. still can remember the night she passed away; it's still clear to me like it happened yesterday... that was a friday, 21 january 2000. was still in college then, and i remember still going to my PE class (swimming) on saturday morning. of course i didn't tell anyone except for my closest friend. 

my memories of lola are all good. i remember baking fruit cake and food for the gods with lola in the christmases past, that's why i love baking more than actual cooking. i remember her teaching me and my cousin how to sew, cross-stitch and knit when we were kids (my cousin being the one who finishes each project; those crafts didn't hold my attention that much). i remember lazy afternoons having merienda with lola and my brothers and other cousins in the big old house---always hot pan de sal with dari creme (i didn't like dari creme) and cheese or spanish bread. we always washed these delectable breads down with cold glasses of coke. sometimes lola even made buko ice candy made from the buko from our own tree. another thing i remember lola making is polvoron. oh, how my lola loved to cook and bake. i also remember lola sitting by the window and i greeted her "hi, lola" or "bye, lola" as i passed by; the greeting depended on whether i was leaving the house or just arriving. and she was always sitting by the window, either crocheting or cross-stitching. for my elementary and high school graduations, she gave me a framed cross-stitched project for each milestone. no more for my college grad. :-(

so many memories of lola i have. that's why it was very heartbreaking when she passed away. i think this was one of the times that i really cried. i remember that a few days or weeks after lola's burial, i had this dream of her. she suddenly appeared in our living room and instead of being scared, i talked to her.

oh. everybody hurts is also the song that i always associate with my lola's passing. for one, the corrs had just recently released their unplugged album around that time, so i was listening to the album a lot. i guess everybody hurts was just fitting for a time such as that. well, at least my lola is in a much better place now.

there's this line from the song that i like: take comfort in your friends.

life has been amazing recently.

seeing people you haven't seen for the loooooongest time.

lots of catching up to do with old friends.

that's why i don't talk much when in the company of people.

much more go into the details.

even if it's online.

such a stupid fool am i.

25 decembre 2007

with the hefty bonus i received last year, i was able to buy my family, friends and relatives presents. then one of my cousins told me that i shouldn't give her any more presents next time.

fast forward one year later. present.

a very little bonus which is a teeny-tiny fraction of what i earned from my previous job. my cousin's wish comes true. she won't receive a present from me. to make things worse, i can't buy even just one present.

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what wouldn't i give for a good scream right now.

what wouldn't i give for a good cry right now.

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if i thought buying my favorite blueberry danish would help banish the blues earlier this morning, i was dead wrong. even if the danish was still pretty fresh from the oven (the custard was still a bit hot too), it wasn't enough to stand against feelings of sadness mingled with anger.

i wish i was wearing shades so no one could see my eyes.

ahh, yes. having one of those moments.

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well, it's the christmas season once more. whatever your feelings are, let's not forget the reason for this season.

merry christmas, everyone  

just when u thought you've got a foothold on the things you're doing, a riptide suddenly comes out of nowhere.

pulling you further and further out

into the angry sea of uncertainties.
 
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One thing I should never, ever do during the Christmas season is to go to the mall.
But sometimes it can’t be helped.
Christmas shopping, ya know. (tho it's not me doing the shopping)
Throngs and throngs of people
Going this way and that
it's suffocating.
so suffocating that once i get out of the mall
my temper has already reached its boiling point.
oh hey, what's the point of my going to the mall?
i don't even have any money to buy presents this year.  

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a part of a stanza from the lyrics "defying gravity". this is from wicked the musical. for next year. next year!

ELPHABA: So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity...

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next year. next year. next. year.